4 Tips for Connecting with your Teen

Connecting with your teen

Let's face it: adolescence is tough. They are riddled with hormones, physical and emotional changes, increased stress, and much more. For many families, this time becomes a period of disconnection between parents and teenage children. And this makes sense to some extent because as our children grow older, we want them to become more autonomous so that they can successfully launch themselves into the world. However, adolescence is the most important time to make an effort to stay connected with our children.

THE VALUE OF THE CONNECTION

Why? Well, the connection is the foundation of all relationships. The connection acts as an anchor that allows someone to venture safely into the world. For teens, a strong connection with parents translates into confidence, inner strength, and growing independence - all the things we want our teens to develop as they prepare to pitch. This anchor also allows us to safely weather relationship storms. When we feel connected to someone, we can stay afloat even when the relationship is unstable.

The connection also allows us to be receptive to comments. If we don't feel connected to someone, we are unlikely to listen and be open to any advice, guidance, or direction from them. As parents, our job is to provide support and guidance to our teens as they grow and learn. If we are disconnected, they are likely to ignore or rebel against our attempts to parent.

4 TIPS FOR CONNECTING WITH YOUR TEEN

Unlike when our children are younger and eager to spend time with us, it can be a bit more difficult to find ways to connect with our teens. We have to be aware of connecting daily and being creative. Here are some tips to get you started.

1. Show them that you care about what they care about.

As your teen grows older, she is likely to develop a variety of interests and passions. You may like and understand some of these interests, but others may seem totally alien to you. It is natural to show interest in our children when they are excited about the ideas and activities that we appreciate. But it is equally, if not more, important to show interest in those activities that do not align with our natural preferences.

Connect by showing genuine curiosity about what your teen likes. Ask them to show you the things they like. Try to participate in the activity or engage in their interest if possible. Connecting with your teen around his passions will help him feel that you care about him because of your effort to care about what is important to him.

2. Emphasize what you like about your teen.

When I work with teens in therapy, they often share that they don't think their parents like them. While I know this is not true, sometimes I can see how they might feel that way. As teens get older, the connection between them and their parents can feel more and more transactional: do this; Do not do that; why haven't you ... you get the idea. If you have a teenager, I bet you feel like you are constantly scolding them. As a result, teens can begin to internalize negativity in the relationship, often drawing closer to it and downplaying the positivity.

Therefore, it is crucial that you emphasize all the things that you like, admire, and appreciate about them, and remember to tell them these things regularly. This can also be helpful for parents who are starting to get stuck thinking their teens are disrespectful, lazy, and mean - you fill in the blank. Focusing on our teen's strengths is really good for both parties and fosters a more positive connection. Take a moment right now to write down 3-5 things you like about your teenager. Then be sure to tell them the next day.

3. Validate their feelings and experiences.

Oh, teens. To a teen, everything feels like the end of the world. For parents, it can be really easy to fall into the habit of belittling their experiences and feelings - because, sometimes, their problems are so small compared to what we know people can face every day. But for our teens, at that moment, their problem is likely to be insurmountable. And we don't help them feel better when we say things like, "It's not a big problem," "It's going to be okay," or my favorite, "You're just my drama." In fact, using these empathy busters will make them feel bad and it will go a long way in making them feel vulnerable and detached from you.

So instead, work to validate your teen's feelings and experiences - no matter how small you think the problem is. Try saying things like, "This sounds real hard," "I can figure out what's bothering you," or "tell me more." 

4. Spending time together.

Well, I know this sounds hard. I mean, how many teens want to spend time with their parents? It's like their job to act like we're embarrassed, upset, and it's inappropriate to be around, right? The answer is tough, but I promise they still want to spend time with you. They likely aren't the ones to ask for it so don't take that as a sign that they don't want to hang out with you. Take the initiative and invite them to do things with you or ask to share with them the things you know they love. Make these times as stress-free as possible. Don't talk about things that you know cause conflict or discomfort. There is plenty of time to talk about the school and their to-do list. Protect this time until you both feel positive. Take this opportunity to observe them and commit to all of their incredible strengths. These positive interactions will enrich your relationship with your teen and build trust and communication between the two of you.

Prepare for a strong parent-child relationship

These are just a few ways to communicate with your teen. Remember, the connection is a fulcrum that will help your relationship overcome fickle teenage waters. Take every opportunity to strengthen this anchor so that when you step out from the other side, you will be able to pull the anchor and sail into the wonderful adult relationship with your child.

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